This is to beautiful.
I don’t really know if I’m in love with you, but I do love you. Very very much. I did think I was in love with you, but now I don’t think so. I think I was very close to it, but never really got there. Even after everything that’s happened. Seeing you move on with this girl. I honestly didn’t even know what I was feeling when I made myself sit there and read all of the comments there on my timeline for the whole world of Facebook to see. Immediately heartache and sadness was there for only a second or two and then it was gone. Just like that. And that’s how I know I love you. Because your happy, just like you said “everything is finally falling into place like it should be” who would I be to stumble back into your life and mess it all up. I think what makes me really sad is that maybe it wasn’t me who was able to turn everything around for you, and make everything better. That I couldn’t do that for you. I mean after all how could I. When you think of me, you think of all the pain you went through that summer with Allison I think. So there’s no way I could have been the one to make things better for you. And your happy, I mean your actually happy right now. And I was so scared. I was so scared that she had ruined you. I know she did, in many ways, but I don’t know, I guess I was scared that she had ruined you in a way that you might not have been able to come back from. But your happy right now. And so I feel really good, and optimistic about everything because that’s just me and the way my corked screwed brain works and also because I think I love you. When you love someone their happiness is sometimes just enough to keep you going. I mean, yeah it’s still painful. I thought I was in love with you. Apart of me still does, but I know better. I just feel like it should be more than this. Like I said, maybe I could have fallen in love with you had we had more time together, but especially with the two of us, we never even came close to what we wanted. Countless times over. Do I wish things were different? I don’t know. I guess I don’t know if you would be happy with me, with all of those memories flooding back up to the surface. Doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt. Oh it hurts. Just like it always has. But this time your happy, really and actually happy, and so I’m happy. It’s weird actually, it’s like sometimes all I can think about is how sad it all is and how it hurts and then I think about you smiling, and I mean really smiling, not one of your half ass smiles. But really smiling and I feel lighter, sort of like a feather. And there’s not as much pain and sadness but relief. Joy. And that’s how I know I love you, and I mean really love you.